How to Behave During Arguments: 6 Crucial Tips

I am not a good arguer. Mostly because I abhor confrontation and usually just shut down whenever I get into a dispute-type situation.

Let's just say I could never, ever be a lawyer.

Don't get me wrong, I've been in some pretty heated arguments over the years (sisters don't always get along).

It's kind of an unavoidable scenario, so if you're going to verbally battle with someone, why not go in with tools to help you do so effectively? Dr. Walter Jacobson's new book, Forgive To Win!, teaches people techniques for building self-esteem, eliminating sabotaging behaviors, and creating the lives that they want.

He recently joined Dr. Holly on her Inherently You podcast to share some of his best advice.

1) First, when you find your blood start to boil, take a breath and try to stay calm. It's in that moment of pause that you can decide how you can approach the discussion in the most effective way.

2) Second, don't forget to listen. Most people want to be right (and prove the other person wrong) and are simply thinking about what to say next. You won't get anywhere if you're both just talking at each other, not with each other.

3) Also, think before you speak. How can say what you're wanting to say in a way the other person will want to hear it?

4) Make sure to validate the other person’s feelings to show you’ve listened and that you DO care. Then, you can address any misunderstandings with a counterpoint.

5) If both people are yelling uncontrollably, it's time to disengage. You’re bound to say things you don’t mean, and you won’t get resolutions. Step away from the argument until you’re ready to seek a resolution.

6) Finally, consider what you're actually fighting about. Blaming your partner for burning toast is likely not the core issue. There may be built-up resentments from the past that haven’t been addressed. Look for what hasn’t been resolved before the toast was burned. People hang onto so much baggage, a minor infraction can give license to attack.

Dr. Jacobson advises doing a "forgiveness inventory" at the end of each day. What did you do today that was selfish, unloving, judgmental, inconsiderate and uncool? How can you be different tomorrow?

Both Dr. Jacobson and Dr. Holly offer such great advice in this episode; I hope you'll take a listen.

Click here to listen to or download the episode.