Setting Realistic Relationship Goals

As kids, the concept of an ideal relationship often comes in the form of romantic movies. But, the fairy tale outcome is usually not attainable, at least not without some blips and bumps along the way.

Dr. Holly Parker, author of If We’re Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?, recently joined Erica Spiegelman on the Rewired Radio podcast to share her relationship wisdom and advice.

One really basic (yet eye-opening) statement she made was this: the absence of negative in a relationship does not mean the presence of positive. How can you and your partner learn to thrive?

1) Stop adhering to the notion that "relationships are hard work." How many times have you heard that? You can almost hear the weight in someone's voice. Dr. Holly says they're not hard work, but they do require effort... just like anything else you're passionate about; a hobby, a goal. You must put effort into success. Autopilot won't cut it!

2) Recognize that what your partner considers nagging may have actually come from a well-intentioned place. But, his or her interpretation of your requests may push your partner away.

3) Practice daily gratitude. Really take the time to appreciate your partner. Reflect on what you really love about him. These thoughts of gratitude don't necessarily have to be expressed, either. Simply keeping them top of mind can be wildly helpful.

4) Offer tokens of love and commitment. People are more apt to get closer when they know they're safe. Text your guy in the middle of the day to let him know you're thinking of him. Tell him how lucky you are to have met him.

5) Incorporate regular self-disclosure. Hang out together and discuss what's happening in your individual lives. You never know all there is to know. Ask your partner questions. How did your day go? How are you feeling? What are your hopes? The questions don't have to always be deep. Think silly, which will foster laughter and playfulness; something absolutely essential for a relationship to thrive.

6) Make sure you're taking care of your own health and well-being in order to provide a solid base for a life together.

Finally, recognize the difference between approach goals and avoidance goals. Approach goals are like that dangling carrot: consider what you want to move towards (i.e., how can you be a better partner?). Avoidance goals are like the potholes you're constantly trying to move around (i.e. feelings of fear or caution).

No matter if you're just in the puppy love stages of a relationship, or you've been married for 40 years, this information can be incredibly helpful.

Click here to listen to or download the episode.